So many great things the Lord has shown me in this season, but right now I am just thinking about her will to do. We cannot deny our loved ones, friends, or clients (if this is your profession) their ability to do even the smallest of tasks. If there is something she can do, no matter how small, it is up to me to die to my self and let her do it. Even if it is simply putting a quartered carrot, sliced down the middle in front of her so she can chop it up smaller....do it. Oh, so many things I have learned by watching her, but right now I think of one, and it is one of my top five most beautiful things in this world to watch...
G doesn't walk very well, her left side is impaired, but this hasn't stopped her from walking, even if it takes her 5 minutes to get to the bathroom, she would rather walk slowly than concede to the wheelchair. She takes one step with her right foot and then her left foot slowly raises its heel off the ground, then the arch of the shoe slowly raises with the heel and then the leg labors the foot forward while dragging the toe on the ground before dropping the weight of her will just inches from where it started. This is how she walks.
She arrives at the bathroom and with 3 labored moves to square herself up to the sink she begins her morning routine. And this is when I quietly walk down the hall to make sure she is in fact ok and I stand outside the bathroom looking in, she doesn't know I am there, and I watch her wet the washcloth under the stream of water flowing from the faucet and carefully wash her face with her right hand while balancing herself against the sink....and it is this moment, this moment right here that brings tears to my eyes...the sight of my 90-something year old grandma hunkered down, appearing so fragile, yet not giving up on the breath that is still in her lungs and the abilities, (though slight they may be), that she is still able to possess. Every morning she washes her own face and brushes her own teeth (well, soaks them anyway). You know how many mornings, days, I have said, "I don't feel like doing ________"? Fill in the blank; brushing my teeth, taking a shower, washing the dishes, vacuuming the floor, making the bed, washing the clothes; pick a task, you know, my grandma would give anything to be able to get up and vacuum the floor, to get up and make the bed, to get up and take a shower by herself...to just get up and move. I am able to do all these things, yet I complain; she is only able to wash her face and every morning she does it, with stiff leg, low mobility, labored steps....she moves, she does it. Lord, what more do You have to show me in order to get it through my thick skull to not waste what You have given me today? She has no idea how she has been used by the Lord, what He has used her to teach me, to show me, oh, how I pray to God that one day she will understand her radical impact on me in this season. Thank you Lord for giving me eyes to see her.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Concede....
Matthew 27:12-14...And while He was being accused by the chief priests and elders, He answered nothing. Then Pilate said to Him, "Do You not hear how many things they testify against You?" But He answered him not one word..."
I cannot count the number of times I have considered these, Jesus' actions, over the past three years....
g: "you did not tell me that..."
me: "yes I did"
g: "you told me this"
me: "no I didn't"
g: "you did that"
me: "no I didn't"
me: "that's what you told me to do"
g: "I never said such a think"
These are generally how the conversations would begin and quickly escalate to me yelling at my poor, hard of hearing grandma. "But seriously, don't you think it is more plausible that you didn't hear me, than for me to not tell you?" I would get so frustrated and defensive and entitled that I would lose control over my words and the tone of my voice. Why? Because I was right? Because I had to make sure she knew that I was right? One time she even said, "I am so tired of you having to be right all the time". ME? ME? She is the one that always has to be right! And the argument would ensue.
The first year I was so deceitfully motivated by pride, because I did, I did have to be right. I felt pressure to prove myself, I felt pressure to...I don't know, I just felt pressure and was so afraid to make a mistake in caring for my grandma. Neither of us knew how to be in these roles together. Me caring for grandma (or anyone for that matter) and grandma letting herself be cared for. So when I was accused of doing or saying something I didn't do or say, it was an impulsive knee-jerk reaction I couldn't control, I had to stand up for myself, I had to make sure it was known that I was right. Then, in the back of my mind, "...He answered not one word...."
It was in the second year that I began conceding to the power of Christ, it was in the second year that I began letting Christ care for me as I was learning to care for grandma. The first year it was all about Leslie and Leslie's strength and Leslie's ability, and Leslie's pride. I was given one mantra about 6 months into that first year, "it's not about me", and that is all I had the strength for, but the strength in that truth pulled me into the second year, "it's not about me". And when I finally said, "ok, Lord, here I am", He took me by the hand and led me, the way God led the Israelites out of Egypt. "And the Lord went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light..." (Ex. 13:21). And just as the Israelites did not move unless the pillars of God moved, I did not move unless Christ moved me. This was in lesson. We camped on "it's not about me" for quite some time, until I was ready to say, "ok, Lord, hear I am" and then we journeyed...and it was in this second year that we journeyed through so much of His word and I began seeing Him and His character in so many situations. I began to see Him saying nothing, when He, God, is the ONLY ONE Who has a right to say anything, because He is RIGHT, the ONLY ONE Who has a right to defend Himself, because HE is Righteous...yet, HE said nothing.
At first I would rebel against the notion to concede and say nothing, but as I continued with the LORD and He continued with me, my heart grew softer and softer in this area, because, afterall, it is His heart, for I gave it to Him and He is transforming me (us) into His image (2 Cor 3:18), why wouldn't I grow to concede. Albeit, it is not an overnight transformation, oh how I wish it was, because letting go of self, and denying flesh, and evicting pride is not easy, BUT we can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens us (Phl 4:13) and it is for the joy that is set before us, the joy of walking in complete surrender to the God of freedom, that we endure the cross of surrender just as Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, for the joy that was set before Him (us, we are His joy) endured the cross. (Heb 12:2)
So, learning to say "ok", has been part of my manna at this particular campsite. Which brings me to yesterday. At breakfast I mentioned to g that my dad's wife would be gone on business for the next two days. In the evening, just before dinner, g made a comment about the "two next door" and I said to her, "well, you know that she is gone tonight, remember, I told you this morning at breakfast?" to which she replies, "You never told me". Without thinking (remember, we are still camping here) I say, "yeah, grandma I told you this morning....." I felt the frustration begin to rise, because now dad is alone at dinnertime, a very important part of the day for g's generation, and had g known that he was alone, we would have invited him over for dinner. I immediately feel guilty, because I didn't invite him over and I immediately feel "less than" because I "failed" her. You may or may not understand this, but it is the best way to describe why I get defensive, it is this feeling of disappointing someone that makes me assert myself and proclaim that I am right. However, last night, all it took was just one, "yes I did grandma" before I let Jesus quickly take my hand and lead me into His heart, where He does not need to defend Himself. So after grandma pleaded her case, showing how I did not say that, I said, "ok, you're probably right", and I called dad and invited him over for dinner. Unfortunately it was too late, he was already having his, but g and I were able to enjoy ours, because I didn't need to be right. A year ago, we would have sat in silence and eventually I would have apologized for my behavior. But last night, we enjoyed our dinner together. Thank you Lord.
I cannot count the number of times I have considered these, Jesus' actions, over the past three years....
g: "you did not tell me that..."
me: "yes I did"
g: "you told me this"
me: "no I didn't"
g: "you did that"
me: "no I didn't"
me: "that's what you told me to do"
g: "I never said such a think"
These are generally how the conversations would begin and quickly escalate to me yelling at my poor, hard of hearing grandma. "But seriously, don't you think it is more plausible that you didn't hear me, than for me to not tell you?" I would get so frustrated and defensive and entitled that I would lose control over my words and the tone of my voice. Why? Because I was right? Because I had to make sure she knew that I was right? One time she even said, "I am so tired of you having to be right all the time". ME? ME? She is the one that always has to be right! And the argument would ensue.
The first year I was so deceitfully motivated by pride, because I did, I did have to be right. I felt pressure to prove myself, I felt pressure to...I don't know, I just felt pressure and was so afraid to make a mistake in caring for my grandma. Neither of us knew how to be in these roles together. Me caring for grandma (or anyone for that matter) and grandma letting herself be cared for. So when I was accused of doing or saying something I didn't do or say, it was an impulsive knee-jerk reaction I couldn't control, I had to stand up for myself, I had to make sure it was known that I was right. Then, in the back of my mind, "...He answered not one word...."
It was in the second year that I began conceding to the power of Christ, it was in the second year that I began letting Christ care for me as I was learning to care for grandma. The first year it was all about Leslie and Leslie's strength and Leslie's ability, and Leslie's pride. I was given one mantra about 6 months into that first year, "it's not about me", and that is all I had the strength for, but the strength in that truth pulled me into the second year, "it's not about me". And when I finally said, "ok, Lord, here I am", He took me by the hand and led me, the way God led the Israelites out of Egypt. "And the Lord went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light..." (Ex. 13:21). And just as the Israelites did not move unless the pillars of God moved, I did not move unless Christ moved me. This was in lesson. We camped on "it's not about me" for quite some time, until I was ready to say, "ok, Lord, hear I am" and then we journeyed...and it was in this second year that we journeyed through so much of His word and I began seeing Him and His character in so many situations. I began to see Him saying nothing, when He, God, is the ONLY ONE Who has a right to say anything, because He is RIGHT, the ONLY ONE Who has a right to defend Himself, because HE is Righteous...yet, HE said nothing.
At first I would rebel against the notion to concede and say nothing, but as I continued with the LORD and He continued with me, my heart grew softer and softer in this area, because, afterall, it is His heart, for I gave it to Him and He is transforming me (us) into His image (2 Cor 3:18), why wouldn't I grow to concede. Albeit, it is not an overnight transformation, oh how I wish it was, because letting go of self, and denying flesh, and evicting pride is not easy, BUT we can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens us (Phl 4:13) and it is for the joy that is set before us, the joy of walking in complete surrender to the God of freedom, that we endure the cross of surrender just as Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, for the joy that was set before Him (us, we are His joy) endured the cross. (Heb 12:2)
So, learning to say "ok", has been part of my manna at this particular campsite. Which brings me to yesterday. At breakfast I mentioned to g that my dad's wife would be gone on business for the next two days. In the evening, just before dinner, g made a comment about the "two next door" and I said to her, "well, you know that she is gone tonight, remember, I told you this morning at breakfast?" to which she replies, "You never told me". Without thinking (remember, we are still camping here) I say, "yeah, grandma I told you this morning....." I felt the frustration begin to rise, because now dad is alone at dinnertime, a very important part of the day for g's generation, and had g known that he was alone, we would have invited him over for dinner. I immediately feel guilty, because I didn't invite him over and I immediately feel "less than" because I "failed" her. You may or may not understand this, but it is the best way to describe why I get defensive, it is this feeling of disappointing someone that makes me assert myself and proclaim that I am right. However, last night, all it took was just one, "yes I did grandma" before I let Jesus quickly take my hand and lead me into His heart, where He does not need to defend Himself. So after grandma pleaded her case, showing how I did not say that, I said, "ok, you're probably right", and I called dad and invited him over for dinner. Unfortunately it was too late, he was already having his, but g and I were able to enjoy ours, because I didn't need to be right. A year ago, we would have sat in silence and eventually I would have apologized for my behavior. But last night, we enjoyed our dinner together. Thank you Lord.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
hearing...
"It is more important for her to hear, than for me to finish speaking". These were the words the Lord led me to this morning as I was praying for the day. I have to pray each day for the patience of Him Who IS patience; for the compassion of Him Who IS compassion to fill me with patience and compassion toward grandma. It is a struggle for me each and everyday to speak with g because she is hard of hearing and I have to repeat everything I say...which, after a few days of conversing like this, I feel like my mouth will fall off if I say one more word.
What I have come to realize over these past few years, is that it is not my sound that is hard for her to hear...so speaking louder doesn't help, though I continue to speak louder more for my sake than hers...it somehow makes ME feel better, like I am proving a point or something...yuk, Leslie...anyway, she can't make out the words because I say them so fast. So, if I would just slow my speech and enunciate, I would repeat less. Do I? Nope. Well, sometimes. So this morning as I was praying for patience and compassion, my Friend, Jesus (do you know Him?) told me to slow down when speaking to her and you know what my immediate thought was? "It's hard to slow down!" Then I hear, "what are you in a hurry for?" (bird chirping...heart softening...ears opening...mind receiving)..."it is more important for her to hear than for you to finish speaking".
What I have come to realize over these past few years, is that it is not my sound that is hard for her to hear...so speaking louder doesn't help, though I continue to speak louder more for my sake than hers...it somehow makes ME feel better, like I am proving a point or something...yuk, Leslie...anyway, she can't make out the words because I say them so fast. So, if I would just slow my speech and enunciate, I would repeat less. Do I? Nope. Well, sometimes. So this morning as I was praying for patience and compassion, my Friend, Jesus (do you know Him?) told me to slow down when speaking to her and you know what my immediate thought was? "It's hard to slow down!" Then I hear, "what are you in a hurry for?" (bird chirping...heart softening...ears opening...mind receiving)..."it is more important for her to hear than for you to finish speaking".
Cleaning the window...
Today is the day I clean the window above the kitchen sink. This morning I was blessed with the writings of Ann Voskamp's blog entry (1.31.2012), I was blessed by the love shared and revealed by her and her husband and the love that is so evident in their lives, that is expressed through her words. However, there is a fine line between being blessed by what another has and being envious. And...yes...I found myself stretching for the otherside, into envious. I don't now, nor have ever experienced such a love as this from a man....
I quickly turn my attention toward my Lord before I cross that line and let my mind wander into the evil territory of discontent. The love of the Lord? Now this I have and am continuing to experience. And He met me, He sat down with me, and we began to process the feelings stirring in my heart and my mind, and He showed me that my story about Him, isn't about a 'him & her' or six kids or a farm, that's Ann's story (and I am blessed by what He has shown her and what she is sharing with the rest of us), BUT, my story about Him, is the story between me & g (g=grandma).
My journey for freedom and joy is developed not with a 9 year old, but a 90 year old; not from the busyness, but from the idleness; not from the demands of many, but from the demands of one. My story, the story He has given me to live, is about taking care of grandma and seeing how God is taking care of me.
I quickly turn my attention toward my Lord before I cross that line and let my mind wander into the evil territory of discontent. The love of the Lord? Now this I have and am continuing to experience. And He met me, He sat down with me, and we began to process the feelings stirring in my heart and my mind, and He showed me that my story about Him, isn't about a 'him & her' or six kids or a farm, that's Ann's story (and I am blessed by what He has shown her and what she is sharing with the rest of us), BUT, my story about Him, is the story between me & g (g=grandma).
My journey for freedom and joy is developed not with a 9 year old, but a 90 year old; not from the busyness, but from the idleness; not from the demands of many, but from the demands of one. My story, the story He has given me to live, is about taking care of grandma and seeing how God is taking care of me.
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