Concede....

Matthew 27:12-14...And while He was being accused by the chief priests and elders, He answered nothing. Then Pilate said to Him, "Do You not hear how many things they testify against You?" But He answered him not one word..."

I cannot count the number of times I have considered these, Jesus' actions, over the past three years....
g: "you did not tell me that..."
me: "yes I did"

g: "you told me this"
me: "no I didn't"

g: "you did that"
me: "no I didn't"

me: "that's what you told me to do"
g: "I never said such a think"

These are generally how the conversations would begin and quickly escalate to me yelling at my poor, hard of hearing grandma.  "But seriously, don't you think it is more plausible that you didn't hear me, than for me to not tell you?"  I would get so frustrated and defensive and entitled that I would lose control over my words and the tone of my voice.  Why?  Because I was right?  Because I had to make sure she knew that I was right?  One time she even said, "I am so tired of you having to be right all the time".  ME? ME? She is the one that always has to be right! And the argument would ensue.
The first year I was so deceitfully motivated by pride, because I did, I did have to be right.  I felt pressure to prove myself, I felt pressure to...I don't know, I just felt pressure and was so afraid to make a mistake in caring for my grandma.  Neither of us knew how to be in these roles together.  Me caring for grandma (or anyone for that matter) and grandma letting herself be cared for.  So when I was accused of doing or saying something I didn't do or say, it was an impulsive knee-jerk reaction I couldn't control, I had to stand up for myself, I had to make sure it was known that I was right.  Then, in the back of my mind, "...He answered not one word...."
It was in the second year that I began conceding to the power of Christ, it was in the second year that I began letting Christ care for me as I was learning to care for grandma.  The first year it was all about Leslie and Leslie's strength and Leslie's ability, and Leslie's pride.  I was given one mantra about 6 months into that first year, "it's not about me", and that is all I had the strength for, but the strength in that truth pulled me into the second year, "it's not about me".  And when I finally said, "ok, Lord, here I am", He took me by the hand and led me, the way God led the Israelites out of Egypt. "And the Lord went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light..." (Ex. 13:21).  And just as the Israelites did not move unless the pillars of God moved, I did not move unless Christ moved me.  This was in lesson.  We camped on "it's not about me" for quite some time, until I was ready to say, "ok, Lord, hear I am" and then we journeyed...and it was in this second year that we journeyed through so much of His word and I began seeing Him and His character in so many situations.  I began to see Him saying nothing, when He, God, is the ONLY ONE Who has a right to say anything, because He is RIGHT, the ONLY ONE Who has a right to defend Himself, because HE is Righteous...yet, HE said nothing. 
At first I would rebel against the notion to concede and say nothing, but as I continued with the LORD and He continued with me, my heart grew softer and softer in this area, because, afterall, it is His heart, for I gave it to Him and He is transforming me (us) into His image (2 Cor 3:18), why wouldn't I grow to concede.  Albeit, it is not an overnight transformation, oh how I wish it was, because letting go of self, and denying flesh, and evicting pride is not easy, BUT we can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens us (Phl 4:13) and it is for the joy that is set before us, the joy of walking in complete surrender to the God of freedom, that we endure the cross of surrender just as Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, for the joy that was set before Him (us, we are His joy) endured the cross. (Heb 12:2) 
So, learning to say "ok", has been part of my manna at this particular campsite.  Which brings me to yesterday.  At breakfast I mentioned to g that my dad's wife would be gone on business for the next two days.  In the evening, just before dinner, g made a comment about the "two next door" and I said to her, "well, you know that she is gone tonight, remember, I told you this morning at breakfast?"  to which she replies, "You never told me".  Without thinking (remember, we are still camping here) I say, "yeah, grandma I told you this morning....."  I felt the frustration begin to rise, because now dad is alone at dinnertime, a very important part of the day for g's generation, and had g known that he was alone, we would have invited him over for dinner.  I immediately feel guilty, because I didn't invite him over and I immediately feel "less than" because I "failed" her.  You may or may not understand this, but it is the best way to describe why I get defensive, it is this feeling of disappointing someone that makes me assert myself and proclaim that I am right.  However, last night, all it took was just one, "yes I did grandma" before I let Jesus quickly take my hand and lead me into His heart, where He does not need to defend Himself.  So after grandma pleaded her case, showing how I did not say that, I said, "ok, you're probably right", and I called dad and invited him over for dinner.  Unfortunately it was too late, he was already having his, but g and I were able to enjoy ours, because I didn't need to be right.  A year ago, we would have sat in silence and eventually I would have apologized for my behavior.  But last night, we enjoyed our dinner together.  Thank you Lord.